For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11Today's counseling session was one of the hardest I've had to date. We dove into something that I truly thought I'd gotten over. The session started off really well. I've overcome a really difficult situation in the last few weeks, and I was excited to tell April about it. We spent most of the session discussing it, and she gave me homework to move forward.
Then things changed. She asked me about my ex-boyfriend. I was surprised but answered her. I told her about our relationship, when things ended, and my perspective looking back. And I started crying. You see, I would love to think that I was a great girlfriend and that he was an idiot. But 9 years later, I see how dysfunctional our relationship was. He was my first boyfriend, so I was learning how to be in a relationship. I'm also deeply emotional, so our relationship moved (at least for me) at warp speed. It helped that I'd liked him for two years before we started dating, so I was already pretty emotionally invested. But I was insecure, constantly worrying that he was going to leave me for someone else (two particular someones, actually) and that I wasn't good enough. He gets a lot of credit for always taking the time to reassure me and never getting frustrated with me for saying the same things over and over again. We fought like most couples do, but I didn't always fight fair. I'd pick a fight and then stay mad until I got my way. I loved him, and he loved me, but it just wasn't healthy in the long-run.
So he broke up with me. I usually say that "we broke up" because it makes me feel better, but this is about being completely honest. Half-truths don't help me move through this. I do still believe that one of the aforementioned girls that I was worried about was a catalyst (whether intentionally or inadvertently) in our breakup, but I now accept that it was the final straw rather than the sole reason he ended things. And to give him credit, he waited a few months to date her. But then again, he did the exact same thing with me when he broke up with the girlfriend before me. Never realized that before. Interesting. Hindsight, man.
Anyways, I told a pretty brief narrative to April, and at the end, she told me that she heard me say two things, one that she thought I knew and one that she thought I hadn't realized. One: I'm judging myself pretty harshly and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. Two: I'm mad at God. Both are true. And guess which one I didn't realize?
It's really easy to get mad at God, which seems crazy to me. He's omnipotent, but that doesn't make him a genie. He doesn't just snap His fingers and make things perfect for His followers. And even if He did, I'm pretty damn sure my love life would be the low-man on the totem poll, waaaaaaaaay behind cancer patients, orphans, veterans, the homeless, etc. I was listening to a podcast recently, recommended by one of Victoria's best friends, called Breakaway. It's a college ministry at Texas A&M (the irony was NOT lost on me), and they did a series about relationships this past semester. They have something called Parents Weekend every year, and during this time, they had a guest speaker who gave a talk called When Life Is Disappointing. In it, he talks about how people want to think of God as a vending machine. Put in the right code, and out pops a candy bar. But life doesn't work that way. Sometimes I wish it did, but it's better this way (I could explain, but the speaker did a MUCH better job, so go check out the podcast. It's amazing!).
BUT.
That doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do, even though I didn't realize it. I am often told, "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. You love sports, you're funny, you have a great smile, etc etc etc," and I think I've let that get to me. It's lead me to believe that I deserve a relationship. I get jealous when I see my friends with their spouses and children. Melissa and I talked about this recently: I'm so jealous of her life sometimes. But sometimes she's jealous of mine. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Anyways. How do I always start to get off track?! That is a whole nother topic of discussion for another day. Back to the topic at hand. I think I would be a great girlfriend. It feels weird to say, but it's how I feel. I love to take care of people. I like to plan surprises for people or give gifts. I have a lot of love in my heart, and I just want to share it with someone who loves me back. (Man, this sounds cheesy. Sorry.)
Okay, I really thought writing this out would help me process, but my mind is racing back and forth. I can't seem to focus. And honestly, some of the stuff I'm thinking is too raw, too personal to share. When I left my counselor's office, I snapchatted Melissa and told her what was up. I wanted to talk through it, but when I tried, I couldn't. I'm not ready. (I can hear April in my head, "You *are* ready. I wouldn't push you if you weren't." MAYBE YOU'RE WRONG. {You're not wrong.} Sigh.) My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it, so I'm gonna stop here. I'm not even gonna read back through this post. (PLEASE don't let there be a grammar mistake.)
Also, I haven't run in three weeks. Someone needs to crack a whip. I blamed the Olympics for the last two weeks, but this week has just been a lazy week.
Also also, HI JUDY! Thank you for your support through this journey. I'm so glad to have connected with you :)
EDIT:
I'm gonna try again. I'm watching Big Bang Theory, and it's the Valentines Day episode where Penny sees her ex at a restaurant with the girl he cheated on her with. She says, "It's not fair. They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them. It's supposed to end happy for me!" That's exactly how I felt. And believe me, I know how messed up that line of thinking is. It's a huge part of my struggle. It's so hard to see people who "didn't do the right stuff" getting all the things I want. It's selfish. And horrible. But it's how I feel sometimes. I'm just mad at God. So April decided to do a little roleplay. She was me, and I was God. She said my feelings, my anger, and I responded. By the end, I had come back to one word:
Grace.
I don't deserve anything. Nobody does. We are given things because of God's grace. I'm still angry. I'm still frustrated. But I'm feeling better.
I feel like I'm just talking in circles. I think I need to sleep, but my mind keeps racing, so this could be interesting.
