Work In Progress

Last week at counseling, April and I started talking about my food issues. I have always struggled with food. I grew up drinking soda and eating sugar and processed foods and avoiding vegetables. I wasn't aware of my bad habits, as ridiculous as that sounds. I mean, I knew I probably shouldn't drink as much soda as I did, but it never really sunk in. When I was teaching, I would go through several cans of Cherry Coke each day. At least two, usually three or four. And that was just during the work day! I spent so much money on soda.. oh, to have that money back. I used to stop at the gas station near my house for 2 for $2.00 20 oz. bottles of either Cherry Coke or Mello Yello. Anyways, back to the point. I never drank water. NEVER. If I went running, I'd take a bottle, but that was usually it. I still struggle to get to 64 ounces most days, and according to the "rule of thumb," I should be drinking 100+ ounces. But it's better than the 0 ounces I used to drink each day.

It's also not unusual for me to go an entire week without a single veggie. For a long time, I thought I was eating vegetables. I've always thought that potatoes were vegetables. Corn, too. And rice. Now I know that they aren't. I'm also starting to like new vegetables. I used to only like green beans, but now I like zucchini, squash, cauliflower, asparagus, brussels sprouts, broccoli, and raw spinach. I'll eat raw carrots or celery too.

I tried 21 Day Fix a few times, but I couldn't seem to stick with it. I realize now that I was setting myself up for failure. As a perfectionist, anything less than perfect is unacceptable, so one mistake would completely derail me. So as I'm learning in all areas of my life, I need to take baby steps. Small, attainable goals. I can't go from eating zero veggies per day to eating five veggies per day for 21 days. That's just not reasonable for me. Other people can make it work, but not me.

So here are some of my small goals:

• at least 64 ounces of water per day
• at least one serving of veggies per day
• don't miss a scheduled run (MWF + S walk)
• water with each meal
• focus on one healthy meal each day --> try to focus on either healthy lunches or healthy dinners for the week
• meal plan, grocery shop, meal prep, and EAT THE PREPPED FOOD

This last one is so much harder than it should be. I never knew why I would always get fast food for dinner. I mean, I'd understand that it was the ease of things if it were just on my way home from work because I didn't have anything at home to cook... but that's not the case, if I'm being honest. There have been times when I had food at home, that only needed to be reheated, and I left the house to go get fast food. On the way home yesterday, I was talking with Victoria about dinner. She's been keeping me accountable with my food. I admitted that I was thinking about McDonalds on the way home. Literally every second, my mind went there. I was planning out what I was going to order. Rationalizing it to myself. Victoria kept reminding me that I had delicious, healthy food at home to eat and that I would feel better after eating my food than after eating McDonalds. And I did it. I had to take some different turns so that I wouldn't pass a McDonalds and give in to temptation, but I did it. I ate delicious meatballs, brown rice, and zucchini and squash for dinner. I also had that for lunch today.

This is going to be a lifelong battle. I will always have to eat food. I will always have to choose what food to eat: the food I want to eat or the food that is good for me to eat. There will always be certain foods that I have to completely avoid because one bite could send me in the wrong direction. There will always be days that I don't want to run. There will always be days when I'd rather have a Cherry Coke than water with dinner. There will always be days when I'd rather just stop at McDonalds. But I'm not going to worry about tomorrow anymore. I'm not even going to worry about an entire day. One meal at a time. Baby steps. GRACE, not perfection. I'm a work in progress. There is no finish line. I'm starting to accept that.

Failure: The Real F-Word

Hi, my name is Lynn, and I'm a perfectionist. I am unbelievably hard on myself, constantly expecting perfection and accepting nothing less. My fitness journey has been incredibly frustrating because, while I'm a perfectionist, I'm also a quitter. When things get tough, I give up. Always have. I've never been able to push through, to maintain the consistency needed for success.

But I have learned a lot over the last few months. I'm learning how to let go of those expectations and allow myself to be HUMAN. To make mistakes. To try new things, even if there's a possibility of failure (my F-word).

Since I started training for yesterday's 5k, I've run 50.9 miles. That's insane to me. I've run fifty miles this year. Really just in the past two months. Crazy.

The 5k I ran yesterday did not go according to plan. I had three goals:

1. Finish.
2. Run the whole thing.
3. Get a sub-40 time.

I only accomplished number one. It was rough. Thankfully, two of my small group friends stayed with me the whole time, because otherwise I would *not* have finished. It was so hot. I hate heat. My feet felt like I was walking on coals. And oh my goodness the hills. I'd been training on hills... but nothing like that. At one point, I felt sick. I thought I was going to pass out. April told me later that when she offered to run ahead and get me some water, she was going to also bring back a paramedic. But I finished. And I ran 2 of 3 miles. And I finished faster than my December 5k with my parents. That's progress. That's all I can hope for. Progress, not perfection. GRACE, not perfection.

I've signed up for the runDisney Virtual Running Shorts Series - three 5Ks, four Mickey Finisher Medals, and 9.3 miles of fun! The first race is the Yellow Shoes 5k, then the Red Pants 5k, and finally the White Glove 5k. I'm going to continue training with the goal of improving my time on each race. Even if it's just by one second. I'm looking to constantly improve. That's all I can try to do at this point. Keep moving forward!