I Did Not See This Coming

I've always been pretty open about my anxiety and depression. Lately, I've been pretty proud of myself for having them under control... or so I thought. To modify one of my favorite Rachel moments from Friends:

I have spent so long trying to manage my depression that I got completely blindsided by my anxiety. And everyone knew it before I did. Looking back, I'm not sure how I missed it.

I cannot seem to get enough sleep, even when I get a ton.

I am cranky all the time (my coworkers can attest to that).

My short-term memory is shot. In recent years, I've needed to write things down to ensure that I do them, hence my Erin Condren planner (SO worth the money!). However, in recent weeks, if I don't immediately write it down, I immediately forget. My boss asked me to finish fixing his tea. He walked into the conference room, I stood up... and promptly forgot why, so I sat back down. I went to refill my water bottle 45 minutes later, and I noticed my boss's mug, with a tea bag sitting in it, and remembered what I was supposed to do. I can't think of words.. SIMPLE words. I will blank in the middle of sentences. I even fumble over words in Disney songs that I've been singing since I was five.

I've had dreams lately that I swore were real. They weren't particularly vivid dreams, but I woke up thinking that what happened in the dream was real life. I dreamed that a friend from college got engaged. A few days later, I looked on Facebook for the post... it wasn't there. He's not engaged. I dreamed that my ex-boyfriend and I got back together (even though he's married.. minor detail) and that he was going to come to the cornhole tournament with me this weekend. When I woke up, I actually typed a text to a coworker to tell him that I found a partner for him in the tournament before I realized that it hadn't actually happened. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it's freaking me out. What's real? What isn't? How will I know?

I just feel crazy lately. I hate to use the term so loosely, but that's the best way for me to verbalize it. I started talking to my best friend, and she immediately said that I was too stressed because I had too much on my plate. I talked to my roommate later that evening, and she said the same thing, without even knowing what Melissa said. I've been reading some blogs and articles, watching some videos, and doing some breathing exercises today to see if that helped, and I felt much more grounded today. I'm still finding the balance in taking care of my anxiety and depression, but if you see me drifting to one side or the other, please say something. I probably haven't realized it (like this time) and need a little check to keep my alignment together.

All of this was to say that the struggle never ends. It takes constant vigilance! (Anyone?) I'm glad that I have a great support group: friends who are willing to discuss things with me; who look out for my well-being, even if it's something I might not want to hear; who encourage me to take care of myself. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Thank you for being my friend.

Also, I'll just leave this right here...

Fundraising + Fitness Challenge

This year is our company's 130th anniversary, so they issued a challenge to all 56 offices across the world to raise £130,000 (more than $200,000) for our favorite charities around the world to mark this special year.

In order to reach our fundraising goal, members of our offices are cycling to raise money and awareness for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. This cause is very important to Gleeds, as several of our employees and their family members have personal ties to this debilitating disease.

We have participated in the past two bike and walk events in Atlanta. This year, we are expanding our reach. Two of our EVPs, Chris and Stuart, will be riding 100 miles in the Atlanta Bike MS event on September 19 *AND* 100 miles for the San Francisco Bike MS event the following week. They will be featured in an article by the National MS Society, and we are excited to start our bi-coastal charity rides for this great cause.

I decided to make this a little more applicable to me, since I don't cycle: for every dollar I raise, I will walk/run a mile. The timeline kind of depends on how much I raise -- if I raise $25, I'll finish those miles by the end of the month. If it's $500, it'll take me til the end of the year, most likely. But I am up to the challenge!

This will be a mutually beneficial relationship, as I will raise money for our charity, our company will meet our fundraising goal, and I will get fitness benefits out of it. Win-win-win!

Every donation helps, so please give what you can!

I will keep you up to date with my progress.

Unexpected Motivation

Today's Motivation Monday came from an unexpected source. I got a message from my best friend from middle school, saying, "I know this is random, but I have no one else to share my exercise journey with and I LOVE following your lynngetsfit IG. You're an inspiration! Keep it up -thumbs up-"

That was exactly what I needed today. It was a rough day. Lots of anger and frustration, which normally pushes me towards food. Instead, I went to the gym and did an hour on the treadmill on an incline. I caved on the way home and grabbed fast food because the idea of getting home at 8 and then spending 30 minutes waiting for my salmon to marinate and another 30 minutes for it to cook made me want to eat my hand. Of course, now I don't have lunch for tomorrow... maybe I should've thought that through :-/

Anyways, my friend and I were talking about our exercise journeys, and she admitted that her long-term goal is to do the Disney Princess Half. "A girl can dream, right?" I told her that one of *my* goals is to do a half marathon, and I'd love to do the Disney Princess one. We looked into it, and the 2016 race is already sold out, so we are planning on doing the 2017 race. I'm excited! Katie, Emily, and I had talked about it before, so I'm hoping to get a group together to go down and do the race together :D

After making this exciting plan, I got curious about how many miles I've done this year, wondering if I needed to replace my running shoes any time soon. According to my Fitbit, I've done 450+ miles in 2015. That's not including the three months that I wasn't wearing my Fitbit. Somehow, seeing that number makes me really proud. I mean, it seems pretty small in comparison to how many miles a high school cross country athlete would do. But that is the number of miles from Atlanta to Orlando. That's insane to me. Here's a little breakdown by month from May to now.

May: 33.5 miles (only 12 of 31 ones wearing Fitbit)
June: 94.17 miles
July: 129.33 miles
August: 97.66 miles (only 24 of 31 days so far)

I just can't get over it. I've walked/ran 300 miles in the last 3 months. What? That's enough to inspire me to push harder. I need to get back to running, not just walking, when I'm on the treadmill. I really just want it to be cold again so that I can run outside. There is no better feeling that running on the asphalt on a chilly winter evening!

Honesty Is The Best Policy

So I had planned to do a vlog tonight, but I'm having issues getting the video to upload, so I'll just type it out the old fashioned way.

Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who called, texted, commented, tweeted, emailed, etc. in response to my post from last week about my new tattoo, my depression/anxiety, and what's going on with me lately. I was overwhelmed by the response. It was truly humbling. People that I never would've expected to say anything took time out of their lives to encourage me, and that means the world to me. I cannot say thank you enough. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am disappointed to announce that I have gained some weight back. I'd gotten down to 197.1, but this morning, I was at 201.4. Not how I wanted to start my week, but I have no one to blame but myself. I know that I haven't been eating right and I haven't been working out hard enough. I got lazy, and that has to stop. I've been meal planning on the weekends but not meal prepping, and that's been a huge downfall for me. This week, I'm determined to stick to my plan and be down when I weigh next Monday. One of my favorite instagram fitness friends posted this today:

"There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results."

That's my mantra for the week. The only day I won't be at the gym will be Thursday, but I still plan on hitting my step goal that day.

Never Say Never

Today's Motivation Monday isn't about physical health; it's about mental health. A few weeks ago, one of my favorite teachers from high school posted a picture of her new tattoo, which she got to support two students who attempted suicide last year and were battling depression. I have never wanted a tattoo before; in fact, I swore I wouldn't ever get one. But when I saw hers, I wanted it.

So I thought about it for a few days, then I told a few people (Melissa, Heather, and my parents), and I still wanted to do it. Heather told me what to expect, and then my parents said they wanted to get ones with me. We all battle depression, and Mom and I battle anxiety as well.

Project Semicolon is a faith-based non-profit to give hope to those battling depression, anxiety, self-harm, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. This all came at the perfect time; I decided to do this, my friends and parents supported my decision, and then on Wednesday, I had a bad episode. So bad that I had to leave work. That sealed the deal for me. I was gonna get the tattoo.

I was nervous to get it, but it wasn't anything like I expected. It really only *hurt* twice, closer to my wrist. It's small and clean and perfect. I'm super happy with it! I'm not sure if I'll ever get another one, but if this process has taught me anything, it's this: never say never.

I've been incredibly overwhelmed with the response. I wasn't expecting this reaction, but I've gotten comments, texts, and words of encouragement from so many people. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. And to anyone out there who is struggling with depression, anxiety, self-harm, addiction, or suicidal thoughts, PLEASE reach out to someone. Reach out to me! I don't care if you're my best friend in the entire world or someone I've never even met. Talk to someone. You are not alone. There are so many people who want to help you. YOUR STORY ISN'T OVER YET.

Non-Scale Victories

I decided to take my measurements this morning. Most of you know that all of my excess weight is in my torso. My arms and legs aren't too bad, but my waist, hips, and chest are where I will see the most change.

In two months and some change, here are my changes:

Weight: 208.8 --> 197.1
Neck: 14 1/8" --> 14"
Bust: 44" --> 42"
Chest: 38" --> 37 1/2"
Waist: 48" --> 46"
Hips: 47" --> 46"
Arms: 12 7/8" --> 12 1/2"
Thighs: 25 1/2" --> 25 1/4"
Calves: 15 1/8" --> 15"

So I've gone down in all aspects, some more than others. But these are some great non-scale victories! I mean, I consider them non-scale victories. Technically they're still numbers driven.. oh well.

I had another non-scale victory last week. I was able to wear one of my favorite dresses, a red dress with white birds on it, for the first time since I was teaching. Halfway through the day, I started wishing that I'd waited til I'd lost a little more weight to wear it, but I still fit in it. That's a win!

I bought some shorts at Target a few weeks back. They fit great, but they were too short for my liking. I don't need board shorts, but I'd like to have my butt covered at all times, kthxbi. It was nice to be able to fit into them though. One day I'll get to where I can wear regular shorts without being so self-conscious. It'll just take time.

What A Week

I cannot remember the last healthy meal I ate. It's been two weeks of crap, and man, can I feel it. I'm incredibly lethargic all the time. I'm not sleeping well. I don't really know if my (lack of) fitness is affecting my depression or vice-versa, but I had a major episode on Wednesday. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I was at the dentist that morning and felt fine, but as soon as I got to work, it hit. Any time someone spoke, I wanted to cry. If I had to speak, I *did* cry. I finally ended up going home, declining trivia, and laying in bed all night. Thankfully my family, friends, and coworkers are all incredibly supportive. I cannot imagine going through this without support.

Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to getting on the scale on Monday. I am ready to get back on track. I'm working on my meal plan for the week in my new meal planner from May Designs. My lunches are going to be pretty boring all week: chocolate Shakeology and a turkey dog. Snacks to include apples (I'm almost out of my beloved Pink Ladies :( That will not be a good day), WW string cheese, carrots with ranch, hummus with pretzels, and Kind bars. Dinners are trickier, since I don't get home until late, but I am determined to stick to it this week. My body and my bank account need me to stop eating fast food every day.

My friend Victoria is joining LA Fitness tomorrow, so I'm excited to have a new workout buddy! She's going to try a step class with me on Monday evenings and a Bodyworks class with me on Saturday mornings, plus she wants to try Zumba... she might be able to twist my arm into joining her, but I'm just not coordinated enough for that.

I will have something very exciting to share in a few days. I'm incredibly nervous and incredibly excited at the same time. I hope you will like it as well!