Drowning

The past month has been a blur. Lately I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm invisible. Like I'm constantly dropping the ball. Like I'm not good enough. Like I'm a failure.

Work has been super busy, and I'm always worrying about whether or not I've done everything that I was supposed to do. I have lists everywhere, but I feel so unorganized. I'm currently in charge of things that I've never been officially trained on, so I'm kind of winging it. I'd like to think I'm doing a good job at it, but there's still that little voice in my head: "Why would they put you in charge of this? Don't they know you'll just screw something up? You're going to miss a step. You're going to forget something. You're going to fail. Everyone is going to see. They're going to laugh. They're going to look down on you, think less of you. You're a fraud. You've just fooled people into believing you're better than you are, but they're gonna figure it out. They're gonna see how inadequate you are! They're gonna shun you. And you did it to yourself, because you're not good enough."

I've gotten better at battling this voice. I recognize the lies. But sometimes they're too much. They come at me all at once, and I can't fight them all off. It's like swimming. I can swim. I know how to take the strokes and how to move forward or backward or tread water. But when too much water comes at me, it doesn't matter how much I know. I will drown. It's too much. I'm struggling, struggling, struggling. Fighting to keep my head up. Gasping for breath. Hoping that someone will reach out a hand or throw me a life preserver. But also not wanting people to see me drowning because they might think any of the things listed above.

There is an internal struggle happening 99% of the time in my life. I want people to notice me, but I don't want attention. I want to go out and do fun things, but I want to be a homebody. I want to get married, but I want to be able to do things like go to London or New Orleans without checking in with someone else. I want to be an integral part of the group but not the center of attention. I want to make the decision to do something but not pick what to do or where to eat or who to see. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and keep my feelings bottled up. I want people to know that I have anxiety and depression, because I'm not ashamed, but I don't want people to treat me differently because of it. I want people to understand me but not try to fix me. I want to be healthy and fit, but I don't want to give up the things I love to eat. I want to be more girly, but I feel so stupid when I dress up. I want to be myself, but I want to be the person that everyone else thinks I should be.

I felt like a zombie at work today. Some people noticed and asked if I was okay, and I never really know what to say. If I tell the whole truth, it makes people uncomfortable. If I tell part of the truth, it tends to invite questions, which leads to the whole truth, which leads to people being uncomfortable. If I brush it off, I'm lying.. and typically they know I'm lying, which makes it even worse. There's no good solution. So friends, if I tell you that I'm fine and you can tell that I'm not, please know that it's not personal. It's hard to decide how much to share at any given time, even if we're best friends. Sometimes it depends on my mood at that moment. Then you throw in the guilt, and I'm just a wreck. There's no telling what I'll end up doing. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

I feel like I'm all over the place, which, I suppose, is appropriate. The reason I wanted to write this blog post is because there is NOTHING happening in my health and fitness journey right now. I've only run once since my 5k in April.. and I've done no other workouts. I haven't eaten as well as I should have. Too much eating out. Too many fried foods. Too much soda. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but it's hard not to. I can't focus on anything. I haven't been able to concentrate long enough to plan out my weeks, so I haven't planned my workouts or my food. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. One decision at a time. One breath at a time. Once I stop drowning, I can try to do more than that, but for now, this will have to do.