Self Worth

I have always struggled with my self-esteem. Always. When I started counseling last fall, my counselor almost immediately diagnosed me as a perfectionist. I've always known that I had perfectionistic tendencies, but I had no idea how much it had negatively impacted my life. I've never felt like I was good enough for anybody or anything. Accomplishments didn't matter, because I could always have done more. I was never the best at anything. Sure, I was smart, but someone was always smarter. I could sing, but someone could always sing better. I read quickly, but someone always read even more quickly. I never dressed the best or had the best toys or was the fastest runner or anything.

Average. I always felt like I was average.

I haven't felt like myself in a few months. I let myself get wrapped up in things that felt good at the time but ended up hurting me deeply. I've been a wreck at my last few counseling sessions. I feel like I'm not moving forward in my life right now, just living day-to-day. Or rather, existing day-to-day, because it doesn't feel like I'm really living.

I've made a conscious effort to stay busy over the last few weekends, because the busier I am, the less time I have to think. And overthink. For more on that, see the last blogpost. For an introvert, staying busy is extremely difficult. I only have so much energy before I need to recharge. Thankfully, spending time with my best friend both keeps me busy and recharges me, because it's effortless. I can literally just walk into their house whenever I want. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm interrupting their plans, because they aren't going to try to entertain me or change their plans for me. I just drop right in.

I don't feel like that with others. In fact, the last week has been eye-opening. I tend to worry that people are just tolerating me; that they don't really care about me, want to hang out with me, want to be talk to me. Yesterday, I feel like it finally clicked with me: that's just not true. We had a big planner meetup, and a large group of us went to Tin Lizzys for lunch. At one point, a friend says, completely unprompted, "I don't know how everyone who comes into contact with you doesn't just fall in love with you. You are so much fun to be around!" I'd heard that sentiment, almost verbatim, two other times this week. I almost started crying. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that was God's way of showing me that I matter. I'm important. People notice me. People care about me and love me.

So, this week, I'm taking back my self-esteem. I'm starting to train for my first half-marathon. I had planned on doing the Disney Princess Half, but after discussing with a friend, we decided to do the Snickers half instead (fast and flat, plus we can crash with my grandparents), and we're gonna use the money we would've spent at Disney World for a trip to Universal (HP WORLD) in January (COLD WEATHER + NO CROWDS). I'm very excited about it. My training plan is as follows:

• 30 minute interval training on Mondays and Wednesdays
• Distance run (or occasionally a timed run, as determined in my training plan) on Saturdays
• Strength training (21DF videos, most likely) on Fridays
• Optional cardio (step videos, Cize, Country Heat, etc) on Thursdays and/or Sundays
• 5k in September
• 10k in November
• 15k in January (Hot Chocolate)
• Half marathon in March (Snickers Half)

I know that I need to get my food under control too, but the past has taught me to focus on one change at a time, until it becomes a habit, and then introduce a new change. Feel free to check in on me at any given time. I'm hoping to remember to post on IG (@lynngetsfit) to keep me accountable as well.

Normally I read back through what I've written before I post, but I'm not feeling it tonight. Forgive any typos, run-on sentences (my specialty), incomplete thoughts, random musings, etc etc