I Did Not See This Coming

I've always been pretty open about my anxiety and depression. Lately, I've been pretty proud of myself for having them under control... or so I thought. To modify one of my favorite Rachel moments from Friends:

I have spent so long trying to manage my depression that I got completely blindsided by my anxiety. And everyone knew it before I did. Looking back, I'm not sure how I missed it.

I cannot seem to get enough sleep, even when I get a ton.

I am cranky all the time (my coworkers can attest to that).

My short-term memory is shot. In recent years, I've needed to write things down to ensure that I do them, hence my Erin Condren planner (SO worth the money!). However, in recent weeks, if I don't immediately write it down, I immediately forget. My boss asked me to finish fixing his tea. He walked into the conference room, I stood up... and promptly forgot why, so I sat back down. I went to refill my water bottle 45 minutes later, and I noticed my boss's mug, with a tea bag sitting in it, and remembered what I was supposed to do. I can't think of words.. SIMPLE words. I will blank in the middle of sentences. I even fumble over words in Disney songs that I've been singing since I was five.

I've had dreams lately that I swore were real. They weren't particularly vivid dreams, but I woke up thinking that what happened in the dream was real life. I dreamed that a friend from college got engaged. A few days later, I looked on Facebook for the post... it wasn't there. He's not engaged. I dreamed that my ex-boyfriend and I got back together (even though he's married.. minor detail) and that he was going to come to the cornhole tournament with me this weekend. When I woke up, I actually typed a text to a coworker to tell him that I found a partner for him in the tournament before I realized that it hadn't actually happened. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it's freaking me out. What's real? What isn't? How will I know?

I just feel crazy lately. I hate to use the term so loosely, but that's the best way for me to verbalize it. I started talking to my best friend, and she immediately said that I was too stressed because I had too much on my plate. I talked to my roommate later that evening, and she said the same thing, without even knowing what Melissa said. I've been reading some blogs and articles, watching some videos, and doing some breathing exercises today to see if that helped, and I felt much more grounded today. I'm still finding the balance in taking care of my anxiety and depression, but if you see me drifting to one side or the other, please say something. I probably haven't realized it (like this time) and need a little check to keep my alignment together.

All of this was to say that the struggle never ends. It takes constant vigilance! (Anyone?) I'm glad that I have a great support group: friends who are willing to discuss things with me; who look out for my well-being, even if it's something I might not want to hear; who encourage me to take care of myself. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Thank you for being my friend.

Also, I'll just leave this right here...